Fearless Friday: Self-Discovery (and yes, HRT)

A journey to begin again

Hey friend,

Listen, I didn’t plan to write about HRT this week and I’m not going to pretend to be the “Hormone” guru, but this week something happened that felt too honest to keep to myself and I have a feeling I’m not the only one who’s been feeling this.

I started HRT and could I say that by day three I could already tell a difference. Not in a launch the fireworks, throw the confetti, I’m a new woman - kind of way. But more like the fog is starting to lift kind of way.

I’ve been feeling lighter, I have more energy. But, the biggest thing is I am feeling like myself again. Sure, I’m still trying to put words to it because I truly didn’t know if that version of me was coming back. You know what I mean? The one where you remember how you could think clearly, finish a sentence, or just walk into a room and actually remember why you went in there. Because lately I’ve felt like my brain had 37 tabs open and none of them were loading. It starts messing with you, not just your body, but your confidence. Your sense of “who even am I right now?!?!”

Most of us grew up with mom’s and grandmothers that didn’t talk about their “female stuff”. Sure, we expected our bodies to change. Fine. We saw Aunt Linda add 30 pounds to her waistline or Grandma Vera sweat profusely when it was snowing outside. But what we didn’t expect is how much it can mess with our own sense of self.

It’s not just lack of sleep, or moods, or hot flashes, or weight, or the list of emotions that never ends. It’s that quiet, nagging feeling of - “Why can’t I pull my words together like I used to?”, “Why do I feel off and I can’t explain it?” or “Why do I feel like I’m watching myself from the outside sometimes?” And if I’m being honest, I think a lot of women hit this stage and start feeling benched or put out to pasture. It’s as if life is saying - thank you for your service. You can sit down now, and I’m over here like excuse me?? I’m not done. I don’t feel done. I feel like there’s more in me to do, more to say, more to become and I can pretty much guarantee that’s a lot of you too because you’ve told me it is.

What I’m Into This Week

📖 READING: Atmosphere by Taylor Jenkins Reid - Excited to be a part of a book club for this one! Can’t wait to share more with you.

🎧 PODCAST: How to Support Your Husband (without playing Holy Spirit) - Fearless Forward

🧴 FIND: AmLactin Daily Nourish Therapeutic Body Lotion - dealing with dry skin, but the difference has been is this one has lactic acid in it. 👩‍🍳💋

📺 WATCHING: Lincoln Lawyer - if you know, you know.

The part that surprised me with HRT wasn’t making the decision to take the medicine, it was was sitting their wondering what would it feel like to not just push through the day (then I looked forward to it instead). What would it feel like to feel like me again (then I did).

Sure, I hesitated all those years during peri-menopause, but when those black box warnings were removed, I said, let’s try it. Yes, cancer runs in my family and I don’t want to treat my health likes its a crap shoot and see what happens. I asked the questions. I took my time because I wanted to make the right decision for me and I decided I was willing to try.

And friend, I’m only a few weeks in and I’m already feeling a huge difference that I’m thinking if this is possible, what else is possible?

I feel like I’m beginning again. But, look, HRT isn’t the point of this story. But this feeling of finding myself again is. It reminded me - she’s still in there. I think so many of us need to hear that - YOU are still in there.

Yes, we’ve gone through a lot of life - we look different, we feel different, our bodies don’t respond like they used to. Life just looks different. But that doesn’t make you done. That doesn’t make you pastured and life-less. It makes you - YOU even under the fog, the exhaustion, under the feeling of I guess this is just how it is. It’s not.

That’s exactly why I’m doing the Begin Again Circle. Not because we need another thing to manage or another self-improvement module to follow. It’s because we need a place to hear ourselves again. To finally get honest with ourselves and dig deep inside to find the root of who we’ve always been and to remind ourselves what we are capable of growing.

So, we will be walking through Julia Cameron’s work together (and yes - Morning Pages). And if you’ve never done Morning Pages, it’s basically this:

You wake up.
You write.
You dump out the mental clutter.
You don’t make it pretty.
You don’t try to be profound.
You just tell the truth on paper until you can finally hear what’s underneath all the dirt.

And I promise you when you clear the dust, you start finding the root.

Quick note (because I want to be responsible here)

I’m not telling anyone what to do medically. I’m not a doctor.
This is simply my story in real time.

If any part of this resonates, talk with your medical provider, ask questions, and make the choice that feels right for your body and your story.

But here is what I am saying - If you’ve been feeling foggy, flat, like you lost your spark, like you’re not sure who you are anymore - You. Are. Not. Crazy. You might just be standing at the edge of your next beginning.

Fearless Friday question for you

Something new I want to do this year is at the end of every newsletter ask a FF question. This week I want to know - what part of you have you been missing lately?

Tell me in the comments. Even if its just one word or one sentence.
(I mean it. I read them.) And, if you’ve been feeling your own little nudge of feeling like you want to find yourself again, then come do this with us!

We start March 9th.

Journeying with you,
Michelle